Productive Procrastination

All day today, I have been telling myself that I need to get homework done.  Well, you know how much I've actually gotten done?  None.  

Instead of making up excuses of why I don't want to do things, I find things that could be more productive or more important.  For instance, I've rewritten my budget 3 times, filed my taxes online, done several online quizzes and finally called the school on my grant that they haven't sent out yet.  I guess I could say I got some things done but it's a super lazy day and I have so many things due on Monday!  

For some reason, when I googled budget, I came up with this:

I think the biggest problem with this is that they all look happy but who am I to judge?  Anyway...


This time, my excuse (even though I only have FIVE followers) was thinking "Hey, maybe my blog followers are waiting for an update.  Maybe if I update it now, they will all send my blog to 5 of their friends and so on and I'll be an over night celebrity!"  No.  I didn't really think that would happen but illogical thinking always tells me what to do when I should be doing something else.

Not only that but I can thank Amber for this being stuck in my head STILL:





I keep asking myself what is so wrong with having it stuck in my head and I can't come up with any GOOD reasons to be ashamed of it.  I bring this up because, at least 5 times today, I have made an excuse to procrastinate HAVING TO DO WITH THIS VIDEO!  Telling myself "OMG, did they really say ___?" or "Maybe if I listen to it, I can get it out of my head."

As a matter of fact, I have pulled apart the video and decided that Narwhals are NOT unicorns as mentioned in this post this post by Amber!  It's very obvious that they are cousin creatures!  Like the wolf and a dog.

The moral of the story:  Don't put things off and if you do, make up GOOD reasons for it!

Driving...

As I was speeding down the freeway at 80 miles per hour (I drive a 'luxury SUV' so that's an accomplishment) I started wondering if the term "lead foot" really means anything.  This is what I came up with.

The bigger your feet are, the faster you drive.  This would explain why teenage boys and clowns are bad drivers.  It would also explain why Asians (who are usually petite with small feet) drive 5 miles per hour on the freeway.

The moral of the story:  If you have big feet, watch your speed on the roads.  If you have small feet, pay attention to the roads...

I have a gambling addiction

I started 2011 in Wendover at the Craps table with a pair of dice in my hand.

I realized some time ago that it would never be a good idea for me to live in a state where it was legal to gamble.  If I ever worked at a casino, the money would be gone as soon as I cashed my check.  If the cashiers at the casino cashed checks, all the better.

I've learned that there are ways to deal with a gambling addiction and still be able to do it recreationally and for fun.  For instance, I only take the money that I intend on taking with me and I leave anything else of value at home, including but not limited to the title to my vehicle if I drive, debit cards, credit cards, checks, jewelry that may be worth something and anything else that I can think of that has enough value for me to make money to gamble with.  

While we were in Wendover, we hit up one of the buffets.  What did they have on the buffet you ask?  A roasted whole pig...

What did I think about that?  Well, I don't eat meat but let me just say that I think we should take all of the loud children in the grocery store, all of the kids that throw rocks at windows and all of the children that have horrible parents that can't teach them to respect others and serve them up just the same as the pig.

How do you keep a baby from drowning?

You take your foot off their head.

No really, I love children... with barbaque sauce.  There are exceptions and good parents definitely make children a lot more likable.

This baby...

  Well, I would love it to bits!


The moral of the story:
1.  Know you have a gambling problem when you do and don't bring anything you can make money off of to spend.
and
2.  If you would prefer your children do not get eaten, be a proper parent so us childless people don't have to suffer for your stupidity.

Anatomically Correct Things...

As many of you SHOULD already know, I have been asking for an anatomically correct sock monkey for years.  Years ago, I stumbled upon a website (probably looking for porn) that had pictures of GIANT ANATOMICALLY CORRECT SOCK MONKEYS!!!  This was inspiration! They were fantastic.  I didn't get this picture from the same pornographic site because I couldn't find it but it's very similar to the one that I originally wanted: 

 
This guy is about 8 feet tall.  I think that is far too tall for me.  Not only that but lets bring something up that I know you were already thinking...  Isn't the penis HUGE on that thing?  I think you would be getting ripped off on the anatomically correct thing on this guy because, well, what man that is 8 feet tall has a penis down to his knee soft?  I'm sure they exist but it would be the exception, not the rule.  


Back when I started wanting one, the website was the only place I could find that was even selling sock monkeys at the time!  Now, you can get anatomically correct in the 20" version too!  

AND they have anatomically correct females too!  I must admit that a vagina wouldn't be as much fun to make as a penis and testicles though.

You may be asking 'Why all this talk of anatomically correct sock monkeys?'  Well, here is your answer:  

In class yesterday, my teacher was giving a warning about using proper words for proper human parts (or sock monkey parts) explaining that she would not be using them to offend anybody but because that's what they are.  I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate it if you went in with a problem and your doctor told you that your twat was swollen.  

She told us about a teacher that she had that knew how uncomfortable these words can be to some people.  So what did he do?  The first day of class, he made them all turn to their neighbor in class and say 'penis, vagina, intercourse'.


I think his idea was genius and I think that would filter out a lot of kids that couldn't cut it but I say 'penis','vagina' and 'intercourse' so often that I would find an exercise like that boring.  Instead, we should do some different words.  Some that I prefer are: coitus, clitoris, vulva, labia, phallus, testis and scrotum (just to name a few).


The moral of the story:  I know you want to see pictures of my sock monkey but he is black and his penis blends with everything else in a picture.


Another moral of the story:  Don't be afraid to give your body it's due respect and refer to your parts as their proper names.

The Ronald McDonald complex

One time (when I was with the carnival) I dated a guy that looked like Ronald McDonald.  I looked it up to see why my ex was so evil and these are the results that I found on http://www.urbandictionary.com  

"The main mascot of McDonald's Family Restaurants worldwide, Ronald is a mutant pedophile clown and an overall genetic fuck-up with his red puffy hair and his hideous facial features resembling a grown-up harlequin fetus. Was last seen singing with two naked children having their bath, who sang in turn "We Do Ron-Ron-Ron, We Do Ron-Ron".

"Adolf Hitler in disguise..."

"A child molester who loves fat kids to sit in his lap so he can get an erection and than he rapes them."

"Popular target of jokes which were never even remotely funny."

"Jesus Christ to Fat People and Kids"

After reading these definitions, I understood what I was dealing with...  The Ronald McDonald of the carnival world!  I never understood until now how much danger I was in!  His only disguise was an accent and I fell for it!  Now that... let's call him "Ronald" is out of my life, I can sleep well at night and not worry about anybody trying to shove a hamburger down my throat.

The moral of the story:  An evil carnivalized Ronald McDonald isn't good for anybody. 

Got a faster response than I expected!

A facebook friend messaged me with concern about my first post:

 

Him:  well you might of set the bar too high

Me:  hahaha

 

Him:  starting out with assplay

Me:  I know right?

That's okay. I'm going to into the medical field. I'm sure I'll find worse videos

Be prepared. 

 

Him:  *shudder

 

Me:  I'm thinking a pap smear next time...

Him:  duck tool too?

Me:  WHAT??? WTF is a duck tool? Are you talking about the speculum????

LOL!

Him:  yep yep

duck tool

Me:  Well, you have to have one to do a pap so, yes, it would include a "duck tool"

And maybe this conversation... 

 

No video but obligatory picture of a "duck tool"

Let me introduce myself...

Let's start off here...  I'm 24.  That seems really old to me and every time somebody asks me how old I am, I still answer 23...  sometimes less...  

I was born on November 27th on Thanksgiving.  I'm a Sagittarius and I always will be.  Nobody has new zodiac signs.  The new dates are only for people born after 2009!

I grew up in Utah my whole life.  I've lived a couple of other places but my life was very stable until I got old enough to make my own decisions...

I have insomnia.  Sometimes I don't sleep for days because I can't.  I don't mind.  It makes me cranky and, on those days, I usually run into assholes more than anything anyway.

I like Taco Time but I think the company requires their employees to be idiots.  The food makes me fart a lot too.  

I'm going to school for Medical Assisting and plan on using that certification to pay my way through medical school.  I'd like to be an Emergency Room Physician, a Urologist or a Proctologist.  Let me tell you why.


Being an Emergency Room Physician would cater to my nurturing side (the small part of that side that wants people to live) and I don't think it would ever get boring.  I don't have a weak stomach unless it's when it comes to dog shit.  Dog shit makes me gag.


I've been thinking about a Urologist because I know that men neglect their health and I don't mind making them pay for it.  You have a rare woman that goes to a Urologist for urethra problems but that's not a big deal.  I think it would be fitting for me to shove something up somebody's urethra while telling them "You wouldn't have to be going through this if you hadn't neglected your health."  

I've thought about Proctology (for those of you who don't know what that is, it's a butt specialist) because I think it would be great to tell people that I deal with assholes all day everyday.  

This is what I would be doing as a Proctologist:






I think that's the long short of it.  So, the moral of this story is that you should always ask why your Urologist or Gynecologist decided to do what they do.  It just might be to punish you.